Being a Fair Mummy

I've received a comment of why I seems to focus more on my elder son and not paying the same attention to his little sister. Maryam always seems to be at the background and Ayyash is the centre of attention on most of the post, isn't it? Haha! Kesian Maryaaam... First thing that I would like to say is, if something is not written doesn't mean it is not there. Hehe! Unfortunately, I can't post on my blog on how much time I spent nursing and cuddling little Maryam while leaving Ayyash to play alone. Oh by the way, Maryam is still fully breastfeed, alhamdulillah. There will be another 2 months left for me to complete our breastfeeding journey insyaAllah. With Ayyash, I just managed to breastfeed him until he was 16 months old when we finally ran out of supply. Kesian, Ayyaaash! Well, again... the question...am I not being fair here? Hehe!

Don't get me wrong, I'm not writing this with bitter feeling. (Imagine I am grinning ear to ear while typing this :D) Perhaps I am grateful for the question and concern, as here I get a chance to discuss a topic that have long been in my head ever since I had my second child. Does FAIR MEANS EQUAL?

When I learnt that I have conceived my second baby, I was worried that I could not love her as much as I love my first son. I am worried that I could not distribute the love evenly and I am afraid that one of them will feel neglected. Uuuu! Or will I pay more attention to the little one and forget the brother? Will he feel left out? Pening oii... fikir! I even bought 'Siblings Without Rivalry' book to learn more about being a fair mother. Haha talking about parenting by book. Blegh!

I used to have my office mate complaining to me that her children always want to be treated equally. If the sister get a pair of new shoes because she needs it, the mother has to buy a new shoes too for the brother even though he already have one. Just because he said "Mummy, you are not being fair!" If the mother buy a birthday cake because it is the brother's birthday, she has to buy a cake for the sister too because simply the daughter says "Mummy, I wan't a cake too!" And my friend, desperately wants to be a 'fair mom' will abide to the request each time. Is she really being fair?

FAIR DOESN'T MEAN EQUAL


Fair doesn't mean equal. In fact, equality often become the enemy of fairness. That's what I've been reading somewhere. It didn't take me long to realize that I cannot treat my children equally the same at one point of time. Simply because they are different! The eldest is a boy and the second is a girl (well, that is obviously a BIG difference!). They come in package of unique personality, needs, strength and weaknesses. They said they want to be treated equally but in truth they want to be treated UNIQUELY!

Ayyash and Maryam are totally different and unique individual. Ayyash is more dependent, very detailed, easily get nervous over small things but he is very compassionate, always considerate for others and very socially oriented kind of person. While Maryam has temperament of her own. She is very highly determined. If she wants it means she'll have it. She doesn't need anyone to entertain her, she could happily play on her own. She doesn't really likes to show her emotions but could be very manja sometimes. They have different learning style too. So something that work for Ayyash might no work for Maryam and vice versa.

So being a mother, I have to respect their differences. I need to emphasize on their individuality rather than focusing on making them the same person. Cannot simply 'pukul rata'. I gave different privileges, assignments and responsibilities for both of them. Like tonight, when Ayyash spends time at his table finishing his writing assignments, I didn't gave Maryam a pencil and paper too. But I gave some blocks for her to play with. Both are equally beneficial learning session and what's important is they both enjoyed what they did. After they finished their task I gave them a reward that both of them mutually agreed, watching a movie that both of them like. BIG HERO 6 ya'alls! Haha! While I accompanied them watching, Ayyash said to me "Ayyash saaayang Ibu...", that is what really matters after all!

Always explain to them that we give them things and treatment according to their needs. Not because someone else have it so you should have it too. Last week we bought Maryam's new bicycle. And we tell Ayyash that it is time for Maryam to get her own bike too and he should teach her how to ride it. The results? He didn't asked us for a new bike too but he is even more excited to see his sister get a new bike! Every evening she would asked my permission to go out saying "Maryam need to learn riding her new bike, Ibu. I'm taking her out." No competition, just more cooperation alhamdulillah.